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But let me end the suspense: Just women. And cock. Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably enough, bi themselves. Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight.

14 Things You Need to Know Before Dating a Trans Woman

And there are gay men and lesbians— percent homos—who identify as straight. Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. Do who you wanna do.

My husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do not smoke and drink every day. It is occasional.

I admit that in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about my indulgences. I hid them from him. After we were married, I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together. My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due to our differences?

I want my husband to love and accept me for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled. So the booze and cigarettes, if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit that has long troubled your husband. Perhaps your husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling you some harsher truth and thereby spare your feelings. Another woman? I sometimes meet men who believe or have been told that their being attracted to trans women is a form of mental illness. Some of you are, or have been, those men.

Most often, you have absorbed this message from the media: How many tabloid stories proclaim that a male celebrity has been caught with a trans woman as though this were shocking, sensational news? But neither my body nor your attraction to it is disgusting or sensational or ill. My body is beautiful, and so is your love. If we are abnormal, that means only that our relationship is different from the one prescribed to us by society.

As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity. Cis men are not alone in this — trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating trans women. What you have to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear. You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing patriarchy.

It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege. Remember this: Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own.

6 Things Every Man Who Dates Trans Women Needs to Know

Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: You and I have only one: I come across them all the time on OKCupid. But you and I are much more than that. This is insulting to you and me. I am not something you have to pity in order to love. Our relationship is not defined by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I — and by extension, you — experience in the world.

But real relationships — like ours — are dynamic and transforming, constantly opening up into new dimensions. At our best, I learn from you and you, from me.

6 Things Every Man Who Dates Trans Women Needs to Know - Everyday Feminism

We fight, we hurt each other, we heal, we grow. We leave and come back together and leave once again. Transphobia is greedy. It wants to swallow everyone and everything. Because of this, whenever people talk about me, they usually refer to me in terms of my gender identity.

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How can we not be anxious and angry, when your families get uncomfortable when they find out who your partner is, when your friends snicker at us behind your back, when we have to be wary of violence when we go out at night? But just as I am more than a trans woman, you are more than someone who loves trans women. But in the process of making them, you just might find a whole new truth about who you are. Dear boyfriends past and present: Thank you for being with me. But some trans women — like me — do want to be with men who know how to do the thing, and do it well.

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Knowing how to love a trans woman is simple. You do it the way you ought to love anybody else: She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. And there is nothing repulsive about that.