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Mostly you're an avatar, reduced to race, height, weight and a sexual position. You're a thumbnail photo in a game that can be as crude as it is brutal on your self-esteem, if you let it. I've stopped allowing the racial comments I've seen on apps, or received while standing in a bar, get to me.

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It reminds me of the graffiti I grew up with: Sometimes though, the comments catch you by stealth. You'll see a nice photo of a guy, then you scroll down and see him saying he's not into a certain race. David can be chatting to a guy on an app for days or even weeks before he's suddenly cut off. And the conversation ends there. You don't get any justification of why," David says.

When an Asian is compared to a Caucasian, are they less attractive? It's a question Asian Australian filmmaker Tony Ayres highlighted 20 years ago in his documentary China Dolls, during an era when guys used to hook up through published personals ads. As a teenager, I remember watching China Dolls on late night television.


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It made me question my own place in the world. For many gay guys, especially in an image-conscious city like Sydney, it's hard not to feel the pressure of being like the hypermasculine men at the gym, walking around, shaking bottles of protein supplements. Yes it has, when you don't want to be seen as a particular stereotype. Eric has been on the dating scene for a couple of years and has become more ripped since I first met him several years ago.

His abs would probably strike envy in many men. I wore big, thick black glasses. I am who I am and I'm happy with that. Even though David may have reached a certain level of "hotness", he still gets backhanded compliments.

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He's not just hot, he's "hot for an Asian". Hang on a minute. Because I'm Asian you're expecting that it wasn't going to be hot? Sometimes I want to see two fucking jacked Asian men wrestle in singlets.

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Instead, Joel turned to Tumblr, one of the few platforms he found that hosted relatable depictions of gay Asian men. The number of strangers who assume I'm a bottom—I do think some of that is racialized assumptions.

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It's a lot of fun to see life from both sides and be able to flip back and forth and have that fluidity. On screen, with his shaved head and tattoo-adorned body, the year-old cuts a domineering figure. It was a little bit disparaging. And audiences are responding.

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It really meant something to me, that I am doing something in my own small way to help them see something within themselves. Despite his apprehensions, he re-entered the industry with a renewed intention. Topping, of course, is not the only means to sexual empowerment. But bottoming, without racialization, can be a position of sexual agency. Submission, too, can be a thrilling stance of power.

Tumblr was once a repository that expanded these narrow parameters of gay Asian desires. Divorcing the subtext of bottomhood from broader cultural attitudes feels nearly impossible to me, bottoming being as much a sexual position as a social one. Within the cultural imagination, Asian American men, gay or straight, are bottoms.

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This mirrors other myths, like that of the model minority, which casts us as submissive sidekicks, happy to mold our identities around the needs and phalluses of white men, and by extension, America at large. Like Joel and like Damian, I wanted to feel like I could decide to be top or bottom, a privilege only afforded to white cis men.

My response at that college party years ago conceded both a sexual bottomhood and a political one—it was the latter that hurt most.


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In eight quick words I had limited not just myself but my community. I had bottomed out. All Rights Reserved. Search form Search. Porn is riddled with racism and Tumblr was one of our last safe spaces.

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