Oscar Wilde and Simon Amstell are among those who have tried to explain the phenomenon of age gaps between consenting adult men.

That it should be so, the world does not understand. So the world mocks at it.

Age gap gay dating: older and younger partners’ view

As Wilde alludes to in his speech, one major misunderstanding about queer culture that persists — still, to this day — is a misunderstanding about male-male attraction between men of different ages. Statistically, many more people that define as queer have been through trauma than straight people. This might take place in the playground or the workplace, or with family or friends and has drastic knock-on effects for queer relationship-building. Science tells us that trauma is often carried with us for life and can lead to complicated repercussions when it comes to sexual attraction.

One resultant effect is that gay men are far more likely to fetishise body image and form deep sexual attractions to certain types of men — such as an insistence on dating particularly masculine, particularly feminine or particularly old or young men — and are likely to carry those image obsessions with them throughout their lives.

In his autobiography, Amstell recalls his own struggles as a teenager. The challenge for men like Amstell is finding the right romantic and sexual partners without exploiting any power dynamics that might spawn from wide age gaps. It goes without saying that upstanding older men yearn for balanced and healthy relationships like the rest of us, so for that to happen with an age gap, they'd need to consider that the emotional maturity and motives of younger men match their own feelings and desires and that no one is ending up being exploited. Naysayers may argue that older men acting in this way are being superficially driven and inconsiderate of the feelings of younger men, who are arguably — perhaps stereotypically — more vulnerable and more malleable than older men.

But these are toxic sweeping assertions about gay culture that enforce stigmas and demonstrate a lack of understanding about the complexities of male-male relationships and the psychological and emotional reasons why they happen in the way they do. Luckily for older men, there's a whole other set of younger men who specifically like to go older that's a whole other article And they needn't suffer from stigma either.

With a century's worth of psychological gains at our disposal, we have a better understanding of the complexities of human behaviour than we've ever had before, and that means we also have the power to stop toxically judging people we may not instantly understand. You can find our Community Guidelines in full here. Want to discuss real-world problems, be involved in the most engaging discussions and hear from the journalists?

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Help The Hungry. Shappi Khorsandi. Mary Dejevsky.

Robert Fisk. At 22, my dating limit is 35; 7 years younger than my parents. Ageism is a real thing in the gay community. The older you get, the smaller your dating pool gets. Well, most of us are. Because then, you have no leverage, no selling point when it comes to dating. The more money you have, the more options in terms of dating you have, because a lot of gay people will overlook their prerequisites if you have money.

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Well, not just gay people…. Age generally does not seem to be a major issue for many, as long as it is with a legal and consensual adult. On people in relationships with a notable age difference the likes of Somizi and Mohale, for example , some agree that the assumptions and backlash the couple have received is unfair. Alutha Tshezi, 24, Cape Town. As we grow older, we get to experience more, specifically more trauma in the form of rejection and heart breaks; and I believe this happens more rapidly and commonly for queer people, especially in the early twenties.

The dating pool is limited generally within the gay community because desirability is based on certain standards of beauty, class and education , etc. We are a shallow bunch and that makes it very difficult to widen our horizons when it comes to dating. The way the relationship is set up is actually quite common — a wealthy much older man, with a young and very beautiful partner — especially in entertainment. Having said that, I think people should just mind their business and let the couple be. Mncedisi Wotshela, 22, Bloemfontein So many gay guys hide under preferences and we tend to not open our minds but we say we are.

Look at… um, Donald and Melania Trump. When older and younger gay men get together, there can be assumptions about a wealth imbalance or power mismatch in the relationship. For example, when the actor, broadcaster and writer Stephen Fry married Elliot Spencer in , eyebrows raised at their year age difference. Diver Tom Daley and screenwriter Dustin Lance Black are another couple who have been on the receiving end of bitchy comments over their year age gap. Rugby player Sam Stanley , now 27, came out in Besides being an openly gay player, many other gay guys were equally fascinated that he was in a long-term relationship with Laurence Hicks, who is 34 years older.

The two, who met eight years ago via the dating site silverdaddies.

Is Younger / Older Gay Dating a Thing in the Gay Community Now?

Martin, 36, met his partner, Yvan, aged 56, via a gay dating website. The week after we decided to commit into a relationship. When I first had sex, I was only 17 years old, and the other one was However, rather than any negative reaction, he says he received encouragement from those close to him. While Yvan looks younger than his age, and also his personality is younger than the same people of his age, always joking, cheerful. Jake, 25, is a recent college graduate in Newark, New Jersey.

His partner, Ned, is 64 and retired.