Did you know polyamory is all the rage now? This is a question three different people have asked me in just the past month alone. Whether they asked it in jest, somehow rhetorically, or in all seriousness, I knew the answer: Yes, it kinda is. The first polyamorous 'unit' I met was over 10 years ago.
It consisted of a primary couple, in which each partner had a secondary boyfriend. I met three of the four of the unit in Fire Island, although they were all based in the DC-metro area, where, in the gay community at least, there seems to be a growing number of unique arrangements involving more than two partners.
This particular unit had all sorts of rules. For example, the primaries could have sex with each other or with their respective secondaries, but the secondaries could not have sex with each other or with their non-primary. And if one of the primaries was home, then his secondary could sleep in bed with him. But if both primaries were home, then it was sofa city for the secondaries! I recall sitting at dinner with three-fourths of the unit and with five or six of my close friends; I was so fascinated, I had to ask how it all worked.
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But when I did, I was shot down immediately, not just by the unit, but also by all of my friends - as if I had broken an unspoken but obvious rule that any discussion about their relationship was off limits and inappropriate. Predictably, because I was henceforth not permitted to ask any more questions, lest I break another "rule," I only grew more curious. Fast forward about a decade, when I moved to Baltimore and met Jason, a scientist and ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine.
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Jason is a member of a polyamorous unit comprised of four men - all attractive, all accomplished, and all very approachable. I asked Jason if I could write about their relationship, with an emphasis on its mechanics i. What follows are snippets from my conversation last year with Jason; John, a veterinarian; and Mark and Sid, two entrepreneurs and the co-founders of a trendy new store in Baltimore.
First and foremost, men, what is polyamory? Polyamory, in my view, is a committed relationship among multiple, consenting adults. After that, there's a great deal of flexibility in how polyamory can be defined, independent of the sexual component, which many people seem to get too hung up on. Got it, and we'll get to the sexual component in a little bit, but in the meantime - why?
Why polyamory? Polyamory doesn't have to be anything, but what it is for us is having the flexibility and freedom to love each other in our own way - that's why we're together. It's kind of the opposite of marriage. Ah, yes, marriage. It's one of the reasons why I'm reluctant to publish this article. In the fight for marriage equality, the last thing I want to do is fuel the flames of the far right, who'll claim you'll all want to get married - first to each other, then to your dogs.
We're not interested in marriage. Our focus is on our unique, mutually consensual relationship. I almost look at marriage as a four-letter word.
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It's a bastardized institution in many ways; it's something I don't want to be a part of. Polygamy focuses on an institution of marriage, however it's defined. Polyamory focuses on love. Pure and simple. Take the sex out, just leave the love part in. Contrary to what we're told or what we're led to believe, love is not finite.
People think that you can only love one person, which makes no sense to me - it's not only illogical, but it completely goes against the core of my being. That makes sense, but how do you address your lack of rights and benefits given to couples and recognized by the government i.
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These become open discussions. We formulate our decisions together and put everything into writing. We're very pragmatic that way. I appreciate your proactive pragmatism and should learn from it , but some things still remain a challenge, no? Take, for example, visiting a non-marital spouse or partner in the hospital? If there was a car accident and somebody was put in the hospital, none of us would, in theory, be able to actually see one another right away; we're similar to a non-married straight couple in that regard.
There are some measures we could put into place for extreme cases The parents, yes. Tell us about your parents and what they think about your relationship. My parents actually met all three of the guys before they knew that we were together, and then I texted my mom, because we don't really chat on the phone, and told her. Her immediate response was, "Is that a gay thing?
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My parents live in Rehoboth, on a gay beach. So does my brother. He's been back and forth on the polyamory thing. But my parents are very comfortable with it. My parents are the exception, they don't know. They're still out West, where I see them once every five or six years. It's one of those conversations I'd rather have in person, as opposed to over the phone or via text, so it probably won't happen until I'm back in my hometown, which is an ongoing question. So I'm the one oddity in that sense. What about other people?
Not that it matters, but what sort of reception do you experience among new friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc.? There are basically three ways of being received: I think of it in terms of Android charger, iPhone charger, Android charger, iPhone charger. Our sleeping positions are based on how much we spoon and what time we get up in the morning. That's not entirely true. Mark is on the end because he doesn't like to cuddle; he gets clammy.
I can relate. So I don't want to belabor the bed situation, but I have to ask: I sleep so soundly, it doesn't matter.
All three of them could be murdered in bed and I wouldn't wake up. And chances are, if Sid's scooting down the bed to go, I'm probably thinking I should get up and go, too. I'm a sound sleeper, too.
With a bladder of a camel. Is that even an expression? Anyway, what's another non-sexual question you are frequently asked? Thank god. Because I do NOT want to have to get into the hierarchy and rules of 'primaries,' 'secondaries,' etc. The whole thing seems like one giant headache, no? We sometimes use those terms when addressing the chronology of how we all met, but our relationship is one of equals.
It has to be. When I asked my friends what they were most curious about, many of them asked questions related to the day-to-day: I make sure everything is up-to-date: For organization, if we're going to get into that, Google Apps is the answer to a lot. Relationships will work with the right amount of technology at the right times, understanding that at other times it won't be of any use. We have a Google calendar for the family that is constantly updated by everyone.
There's a layer to the calendar that has John's work schedule, which isn't as consistent as the rest of ours. When I met Adam and Shayne, I was still in the phase of just seeing what everything was about. I just knew that I really liked Adam and Shayne and they made me happy. We were inseparable. This was the first polyamorous relationship that Adam and Shayne had been in too and they had some initial concerns about the arrangement.
Shayne explained: It felt wrong to be envious of Sebastian when I still loved Adam. But after speaking to Adam, we both realised that we both felt the same way about him. After two months of dating, it became obvious that love had blossomed between the trio and they moved in with Sebastian. Sebastian said: Together as a threesome, we were all complete. It just sort of happened. The threesome have been living together for more than three years now and are happier than ever. Adam, Sebastian and Shayne work so well together that they hope to open a medical clinic in the next few years.
Sebastian explained: Last year, Adam and Shayne got legally divorced so that they can legally become joined in a union where all parties are equal. Adam explains: The commitment Shayne and I made to each other still stands but now Seb is part of that commitment too. Sebastian, left, said: Sebastian added: We want to ensure our children are looked after whatever happens to us and our union is backed up legally. Adam, Seb and Shayne hope to have three children altogether and even have a plan on how they will conceive them. My sisters actually argue over which one them will carry our baby first - I feel very lucky!