So my inner circle would never outright shame folks living with HIV. Rather, their shame is more subtle and insidious. In an era filled with misinformation, alternative facts, and old-fashioned lies, peer-reviewed research is one of the few ways to get to the truth. Put simply, an HIV-positive person can suppress their HIV levels though taking antiretrovirals daily, maintaining an undetectable viral load. Like many queer men, I used to live in fear of acquiring HIV, even as a teenager, before I was having sex with men.

I used to force my pediatrician to test me for HIV when I had unprotected oral sex with a woman. The results, not surprisingly, always came back negative.

I felt guilty about it because I knew, logically, there was no foundation for my discomfort. Depending on our age, many of us growing up were told it was a death sentence. At the time, it was a plague, and in lesser developed countries and some parts of the United States, it still is. Today, however, it is a no longer a death sentence and men with HIV live rich and fulfilling lives. In doing so, we reduce this man to his status. Nevertheless, I understand the fear many of you have of acquiring HIV.

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Dating is not a monologue. There are no bad dates. Even an apparent disaster, a bar encounter at which the other person succeeds in quickly getting drunk, for example, can be useful. You will stick to having a cup of coffee by meeting at a cafe next time. Know yourself before you start.

Keep the two separate. If you live in a small town in a small state, what percentage of men are gay?

What percentage of those gay men are positive or open to dating someone who is positive? If you limit yourself to finding someone around the block, you may have created an insurmountable challenge. The reality is that he could be anywhere, could live anywhere. He might, or might not, live across the country. He might, or might not, use a dating site, a dating company, have, or not have, a personal ad somewhere. Try to stay open. There are no support groups, no social activities with other positive people out here; there are no retreats that those of us who are low-income can afford.

We as gay folk ignore our possible candidates for dating in this group. Sites like POZ Personals and options on dating apps have made it much easier to let an interested suitor know you status by reading your profile. Many, many guys know nothing about HIV and fear positive individuals as one would fear someone who had contracted the Ebola virus. No matter how hot that guy looks, avoid an awkward, embarrassing or even violent situation by laying all your cards on the table at the appropriate time.

The appropriate time is soon after meeting. Since then, I have not had so much as a second date with someone. Always the same result: They move on, and I need to find the strength to start looking again.

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Yet after 15 years, little hope remains of not dying alone—my greatest fear. Ironically, I have never had any medical issues. Just when others hear those three letters they make a fast exit.

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Yes, he had alcohol; yes, there is a history of anger management incidents. What is online is true —this condition does not improve, and the perpetrator of the violence never owns or acknowledges it.

Learn more about the other person. Each of you is likely presenting a version of yourself that you believe the other is seeking.