Does dating the same sex when trans make u gay

A handful have been bi, but none gay. Early on in my transition I frequently posted personal ads. There was a man who used to email me a couple times a week. He was a typical Williamsburg ruffian—tall, tattooed, with an undercut.


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He was a handsome guy, but I never met him because all he wanted was sex. I started seeing him around my neighborhood. He was always with his girlfriend. There they'd be slurping a Thai noodle lunch special, stocking a grocery cart with kombucha, or clouding their coffee with cream in our shared cafe. They held hands at their table. His cock-hungry messages lay close, stored in my phone at the bottom of my purse.

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I wondered if she knew he was cruising for sex with other people. Did she know he's into trans women? When she finds out, will she ask him if he's gay? I wonder sometimes, when I hear people spew hatred, how many of them have actually been with trans women before. In his mid-thirties, Matt grew tired of denying himself the kind of life he's always wanted. I have been doing this for so long anyway. This is something I'm gonna do for me. He wanted Alicia to be more than someone he paid for sex, but there were multiple factors working against them both. Like many impoverished trans women, Alicia was addicted to drugs.

She called Matt a few times desperate for cash. She looked horrible; she was thirty, forty, pounds lighter than she was when I'd first met her. It broke my heart. It was too painful to watch Alicia's descent into addiction, so Matt stopped seeing her and resumed living in secrecy. Six or seven years after he last saw Alicia, he attempted to find her again to no avail.

She was gone, her online ads deleted. Last year, after decades of living a double life, Matt was finally ready for a partner. He became serious about finding the right trans woman to spend his life with. But where to look?

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There's been an active market for trans personal ads on Craigslist for years. Clicking into the m4t category of Misc. Romance, you'll find reams of posts by trans amorous men. There is a weighty symbolism to Craigslist's subcategories: Casual Encounters is, as one would expect, the most popular. If you're cruising there, all bets are off.

As the guys see it, social graces are checked at the door. Then, over in Misc. Romance, again and again, you'll find posts by guys professing their exhaustion with Casual Encounters. They've had enough; they want more. There is a tenderness to the forum—the same users post diligently week after week in pursuit of their transgender soul mate, and stock photos of roses often accompany their ads.

With the rise of services like OkCupid, Craigslist and other trans community backchannels are becoming less necessary than they once were. In recent years OkCupid has integrated categories for transgender people. Matt made a throwaway profile on OkCupid just to see who was out there. She even told me she wasn't gonna live more than ten years.

Wanting to have sex with trans women is not synonymous with undoing the stigma against loving them.

Alicia looked healthy. According to her profile, she had a job and was looking for a relationship. Judging by the smile in her photos, she was happy. In the years since they'd separated, she quit drugs and began working in advocacy for the transgender community. She remembered him and agreed to meet, but the wall she'd built remained intact. I want more and I can give more. I held her hand and walked down the street. That was my first time not being afraid. It was hard to convince Alicia to let down her wall, but Matt understood why. It happens all the time. The looks, the stares, sometimes they say things.

I remember our first date where we were together and it wasn't for money and sex. It was a date.

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We were walking to downtown Brooklyn, to sit on the rocks under the Brooklyn Bridge. I held her hand, and walked down the street and we sat on the rocks and had a really romantic night. A door across the room from us suddenly opened. Alicia passed through it, coming from the kitchen with a fresh plateful of empanadas. Matt grinned like a little kid.

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He tried to pull her onto the sofa but she refused, saying, "You two talk! She was barefoot in a floor length, striped jersey summer dress. Eventually she gave in, and took a seat beside him. Girls Night Out: Matt and Alicia share a "normal" life together. They're both in their forties, they both work full time, and they both take care of their bodies.


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He loves her ambitious personality and sense of humor. Alicia told me it goes both ways.


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One of Alicia's friends told me, 'You're the only one. The only guy here. I'd like to see more. She was mostly a bottom. But then I guess she topped him one time, which is a stigma in and of itself. He said to me, 'Does that make me gay? If it felt good and you're making your partner happy, go for it. What the hell. Have fun, let it go. Alicia shook her head, laughing. If they were bad I'd say, pretty much!

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