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Mostly because cruel guys on Grindr remind us that we don't get laid without one. So, you might try investing in some weights and a fold-up bench for your living room. Santa's watching. Or, in this case, your ex's ex's ex. If you're the type who likes to slam the door on your way out, think again. The gay population in Portland is big but Portland is small, and you will see your ex, people who have slept with your ex, people you've slept with who are now sleeping with your ex and two of your exes at the same time.

And don't physically run away from your ex when you see him outside of S1 like me, as you will match on Tinder someday. Break out the sage and clay coyote skulls. Witches tend to be badass queer people— and witch culture is ripe in Portland. This means friends who meddle in the dark arts might just supply you with a love potion, after all, if you hang around long enough to meet a few of their acquaintances.

Gay people from around the world flock to Oregon to have kids. And while we know you're only getting intimate with that PBR inside your new craftsmen tonight, you might consider sticking around for the long haul.

Jack Rushall is a local freelance writer who likes to open windows. He writes about culture, food, and gay stuff. Follow Jack on Twitter JackRushall. Willamette Week. Share on Facebook. Share on Twitter. Share on LinkedIn.

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