I breathed into my hands to warm my nose as I crunched along the gravel road, trying to clear my head. Just like me. Yes, he had hurt me. Yes, he was wrong to hurt me.

But I realized he was a victim too. In the town he and I had grown up in, being gay was seen as one of the worst things you could be. You might as well not even be human.

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He and I were both thrown into an environment where we had to either prove our masculinity or become a target. I can assume he felt scared. I can assume he was unhappy.

I can assume he felt pain. Someone made him hate himself. He saw himself in me. And so, he hated me. If I could trace what happened to me back to its roots, it would be somewhere far beyond him and beyond me. Masculinity has been programmed into me since before I can remember, but it has taken me a lifetime to unlearn. But the process of unlearning it has given me more freedom than I ever imagined for myself.

Even people who have hurt me. What does a gay man do when stuck in rural Oklahoma? Not my type. Curious, I responded. I was a little mean to you. He sent a picture. The metaphor worked in my head at the time. But how had I let that happen? How had I let him have such an influence on me? A better, more appropriate tree-ism came to mind: I was fortunate enough to have parents who accepted me. But I can understand it.

I was busy thinking all these thoughts when I received another message on my phone. I think the increase in anti-gay bigotry experienced by heterosexual males getting into relationships is from them establishing their identity. I do, however, remember girls at my school being even more anti-gay than the boys — the boys were pretty easygoing until made to feel their manhood was threatened BY the girls making comments about their lack of manhood.

I think you Queerty writer misunderstood the article. The study was on LGB teens only.

No straight kids in opposite-sex relationships were studied. No straight kids were studied, period. GAY kids in opposite-sex relationships saw no impact, positive or negative, on their self-esteem. It would be great if this article had a link to the original information source to give it more credibility. No proof needed. It's OK not to know yet.

Asexuality is real and it is also a spectrum. Being trans is real and it is, again, a spectrum. Homosexuality and heterosexuality are also real and also a spectrum. If you don't fit the black and white of these identities, that's OK — you just might fit in the gray area. I eventually found refuge in a queer tinder match and even just that stunted coming out conversation with a stranger helped me beyond measure. I was young and confused, and having good sex with people that had a penis wasn't really what I was expecting.

A lot of my straight friends told me that it was great and blah blah blah — but it was kinda just weird to me. It didn't hurt, it wasn't traumatic, it just wasn't enjoyable. But I felt like I had to pretend to like it and that's just how it was.

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Years later, I met my current partner and they showed me how to enjoy sex. Back in those days the only out queer women tended to have a more masculine style, so I felt I was just confused because I didn't have the same appearance or style sense as them. You're allowed to dress however you want and identify however you want, none of the above has to define you in any way, shape, or form!

When I began to come out to my friends, I almost felt guilty for giving in to my stereotype — I was becoming what most people accused me of anyway.

Your experiences and personal mindset shape who you are, not other people. Experiment, explore, and discover who you were meant to be. Make mistakes, break hearts, and educate those who will listen!