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It was not because I was young or any of the personal qualities I came to harshly evaluate after weeks of questioning what was wrong with me. So I decided to give these hookup apps a chance, in order to do some research on whether these men who had been so kind as to share their dearest fantasies of me would also actually be interested in going out for a meal or, furthermore, embarking on an actual relationship.
Interestingly, when I asked, I was immediately dismissed and blocked by the "pretty boys"; the other guys who were interested in meeting me responded pretty much by saying I wasn't their type, while the other handful who were actually up for meeting for a date were mostly over 50 years old or immigrants. In my experience, the European gay community that I encountered was interested in having me help them fulfill the fantasies they'd created based solely on the color of my skin, but they were completely opposed to the idea of a date or a relationship.
As plain as it was, I still found it hard to label these blatant acts as racism, since the people committing them were likely doing so unintentionally. I began questioning every aspect of my being: Am I too gay? Am I too young? Am I not attractive enough? For weeks, I was convinced that I was the problem. Until one evening, after finally being asked out on a date by a man, my date stood me up, saying he wasn't able to come. His reason was that he was afraid. When I asked him to honestly tell me why he felt threatened, it all led back to my being black.
That was my a-ha moment — there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Does the ignorance of these men make their racial profiling any more permissible or acceptable? No, it absolutely does not. We are not your fetishes, we are not your sex toys, we are not your negroes, and if you are turned on by someone only because of the color of their skin, or any racial attributes, but can't see them as your ideal partner in any case, you're probably being racist.
